Hello, I'm Jordan, your snarky tour guide through the first ever episode of television's newest rip-off- er, I mean- spin-off, Shadowhunters!

If you're anything like me- god, forbid- you've probably read the books at least a dozen times by now. You love the world of The Mortal Instruments and The Infernal Devices. Jace makes you blush and laugh and you know, underneath all that sassy man-ness, he's just a baby cinnamon roll. Clary is a hot headed spit fire who, yes, creates a lot of chaos and is generally pretty unhelpful, but she tries. The rest of the team is just as fun and wonderful and amazing, and I thought having them on tv would be like having a sleepover with a bunch of old friends. I can do nothing but laugh at my younger, naive self. Oh Jordan of twelve hours ago, you wide-eyed, innocent baby; you had no idea what was coming, did you?

So, this show is on AbcFamily's old station that they've renamed Freeform. This means nothing really, except you can expect all of the old cheesiness of AbcFamily just under a new name. Younger Jordan had hoped the name change would give way to edgier, grittier tv shows. Alas, Shadowhunters is more reminiscent of Buffy* than even Teen Wolf in that department. And if Teen Wolf is that much higher on a scale of darkness than something, we have issues.

For those of you that simply want to be told whether or not to watch this program, those of you that want to avoid spoilers, I can only say watch at your own risk. If you go in with a mind that's ready to see your favorite book ripped apart and sewn together haphazardly, you'll be fine. Don't expect to be blown away or even entertained. It's confusing, poorly done, cheesy, and will make you wish TMI was just an undiscovered series only you know about.

THE RECAP:

The series starts off with some fun but eerie music as Alec follows some old Asian man down a street. And then he flies. I kid you not, Alec jump-flies onto some walkway or building. I can't remember because I was too busy screaming about him gliding upwards. I know, I know, Jace can jump...because *spoiler* he has angel blood in him. Alec is a typical badass shadowhunter, but he can't just fly.

Let me just remind you, this is the first thirty seconds.

Then, in the same intro scene, we see Izzy highlighting her arm with a stele as though she's using a metal detector and making sure she remembered to take her watch off before boarding some flight. There's no drawing, no pain of pretty much burning the mark into her skin, just gently gliding over her arm with a stele that looks like the one I bought on clearance from Hot Topic when the movie tanked. Ah, memories.

There's even more intro when we get a shot of Jace standing on the building thing with Izzy and Alec, and okay, fine, he looks hot and badass like a shadowhunter, before they all jump off. Eventually, Jace runs into Clary and we get some cheesy "you can see me?" line.

It's two minutes into the show, and so far the very essence of Shadowhunters, the people, are off, and so is Jace's personality. Great. Thanks, Freeform. As if I didn't suffer enough two years ago.

After our wonderful introduction, we're thrown into some "8 hours ago" universe in which we know, the only reason for the odd flash-forward is because Freeform was hoping to hook some straggling Pretty Little Liars fans with a "cool", "edgy" scene. By the way, those are in quotations because it was neither cool nor edgy. At most, it was confusing and silly. But maybe I'm just jaded.

Anyway, eight hours later and Clary's at some art school applying for admission. Her drawings were shallow and blah, but they liked the demon art work on her folder. Of course. She then meets Simon at a coffee shop to tell him the news. Yay, she got in! So now we, the audience, can expect some contrived college drama in the future if we're lucky. Or unlucky.

Simon does his usual thing, acting like a total dork even though he's any other hot guy with glasses and not at all awkward looking, and Clary moves a biscotti out of her way. It is at this point, her placing a biscotti on the table, that I know what is about to happen. I did watch the City of Bones movie three times. I called it out loud the second she set that damn piece of bread down. It fell into the table. She comments on not knowing where it went, Simon hands her another one, we see a drawing of biscotti on the table, I throw my head in my hands in groan, and then we get some delightful, not-so-subtle hints about the love Simon has for Clary. The usual for a TMI remake.

Once this cringe-worthy scene is over, we get to see Luke doing his new thing as a detective. Now, I know I'm in the minority, but I was excited to see Isaiah Mustafa as Luke. He has a certain ruggedness about him that works with the character, at least in my opinion. However, his delivery was flat and cringe-worthy. He and his partner discuss Jocelyn and it reminds me of watching a middle school play. It's as though someone was feeding him lines in his ear and he was simply relaying them. No emotion, no depth. Of course, through this scene, we know someone is draining Mundanes of blood. But that's all we get from the scene.

Now, in our next scene, we get something really special. We get Clary speaking to Dorothea. But it's not just any Dorothea, but a woman named "Dot" who is both young and hot. We'll get to her later, but twenty something Dot gifts Clary a super revealing black knit shirt while hanging in her antique shop (presumably that she stole from Luke at some point) and plays with a pack of tarot cards featuring the mortal cup. Oh, yeah, subtlety is not Freeform's best trait.

Clary thanks Dot for the shirt and runs up stairs to her house and her mother who is waiting for her. I don't remember much about this scene with Jocelyn, mainly because the actress who plays Jocelyn is pretty wooden herself, but I do remember this: Jocelyn, secretive, guarded, protective Jocelyn, gives her daughter a goddamned stele. Contain your gasps, guys, for this the truth. She hands her daughter the stele that has a bunch of runes carved on it and proclaims it is an ancient heirloom. As though an heirloom is something specific. It makes no sense. None. Ugh.

With this gift for Clary, we also get a little gift. A flashback within a flashback. Remember, the show starts off eight hours ago, and now we're also going ten years back. It would seem, as it's not like this happened in the book because that would be preposterous, that Clary and Jocelyn visited a park ten years ago. During this experience, while Jocelyn chatted with a stranger about how her orange haired child got her hair color from her red haired self (I'm paraphrasing of course, a pond demon popped out of a, well, pond to attack Clary. The only good thing to come out of this flashback is that Jocelyn drags Clary to Magnus Bane's house. Magnus is basically my one reason to watch this show. Anyways, Clary gets tied to some thing and Magnus shoots blue powder at her forehead and she forgets about Shadowhunter stuff.

Fast forward to the future, but still not the present (stay with me, here), Luke comes in and he and Jocelyn start talking about how they need to tell Clary. Again, our Jocelyn who would do anything to protect Clary and keep her from this world, is about to drop the truth bomb on her daughter. Okay, so the show makes it seem like they have no choice because Clary's turning 18 and that's supposed to mean something, but still. No.
They try and confront Clary about it and she makes some comment on how she's obviously not going to be going on an "epic journey" and why are they being so weird. Subtlety, it's an art Freeform definitely will never master. Simon then comes in, there's weird hand signals between him and Luke, and then Clary jumps on his back to go to his concert.

To be totally honest, I'm surprised I made it this far. Not in the first viewing, because even during the atrocity I still hoped for better things, but in the second viewing. It was boring and painful, but I digress. Onto Maureen, the eighteen year old cool chick who is in a band with Simon, a two person band from the looks of things. Not the twelve year old stalker we all know and hate.

Maureen, Clary, and Simon talk about how Jocelyn has no other family but she could never, ever have a deep dark secret like Maureen suggests. Subtlety 0 / Freeform 3 at this point.

There's more baloney about Jocelyn being a Shadowhunter, but I'm bored with her. She was in the show far more than Jace and that makes me sad. So I'm going to talk about Jace now by talking about the scene after that.

We are finally at the New York Institute. Finally. Isabelle is getting dressed in some leather-y white revealing ensemble and is grabbing a blonde wig and she sashays out of her room. I was ready to see the place we have all grown to love as though it is our second home. Hell, I was even hoping for a quick Max sighting. Instead, what I got was a weirdly techy CIA database. The Institute did not seem to be drenched in history and the ways of Shadowhunters, but instead was full of holograms, computers, hologram computers, and, even worse workers.

Call me nitpicky, but the institute only has seven people max that live there. Jace, Izzy, Alec, Max, the Lightwood parents sometimes, and Hodge. There are not fifty trained operatives that hang out like it's the FBI. I shake my head shamefully, even now as I write this.

During this scene, I'm waiting for quick quips from Jace. Alec is sulky and serious as he should be, Izzy seems a tad sassy and badass as she should be. Instead of Jace being lighthearted and witty, he becomes a tool the writers used to info dump about the Shadowhunter world and its problems with Mundane blood being sold. Jace was about as unJace as he could be. Info Dump Jace was the worst.

Now, for a good thing. And yes, there were a few positives, contrary to what you've read so far. We see (and hear, i guess) Simon singing Forever Young. Let that sink in for a moment. So it's not subtle, and Freeform has pretty much told everyone what will happen with Simon because of his damn posters, but still... it was glorious, and I did a minor slow clap. Unfortunately, it lasted for about five seconds and then we're back outside with Clary &co. Maureen and Clary crowd around Simon and his van as he takes his shirt off to reveal a perfectly sculpted six pack. Simon. The awkward, stringy, pale, teenager is a man. It's like Clark Kent hiding behind his suit and glasses, only to reveal he's Superman. Just because they put glasses on Simon (that will no doubt be chucked once he turns into what we all know he will) does not a geek make. Hot Simon and the girls then spray paint his car with a new band name I didn't catch, but Clary can't even do that right and spray paints the Angelic rune without knowing it. Remind you of anything, like...I don't know...the movie.

I still have four pages of notes to get through, which is an insane amount as I've now written about four pages, so let me just blast through the highlights.

Jace runs into Clary and finally we're in the present. They have some cheesy, UnJace conversation and we can totally sense the InstaLove in the air. There's a club, some bad guys, Clary following Jace, and then more Magnus. Magnus chokes one of the rogue Men in Black agents, of whom I think is actually a Circle agent, and it's wonderful. Then Izzy dances on a platform, there's a demon fight, and Clary uses the Force to work one of the magical Shadowhunter weapons and accidentally kill a demon. It's not even badass as she continuously gasps and exhales like she's auditioning to be the next Disney princess.
Clary runs out of the place, the Men in Black agents follow her, and then Clary accosts her mother, Jocelyn. Jocelyn then tells Clary pretty much everything before Dot informs her the bad guys have found them.

This part cuts deep. Really, it does. Jocelyn has Dot open a portal for Clary...with magic. Not only does Dorothea not have magic, though she was raised around it, a goddamn portal does operate based on some purple fucking glitter. Maybe, just maybe, the portal was always in the Fray's living room and Dot activated it, but that's being kind and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Henry invented that shit. Do not take away the portal from my baby Henry. Just don't.

Moving on because I have to, there's awful graphics and Clary is transported to Luke's police station. Then we cut back to the Fray's and Dot is killed by the Men in Black and Jocelyn puts up a pretty good fight before chugging something that looks like neon Gatorade. She collapses and I pray it's the last I have to see of her on my screen. During the scene, there is also some pretty casual talk of Valentine still being alive. Like it's no big deal the most sociopathic, cunning, charming villain is alive.

Clary hears Luke telling some other bad guys that he doesn't care about her at the police station, there's talk of the mortal cup, and then BAM! we're in Chernobyl. Oh yeah, Valentine is hiding in Russia and feeding a bunch of things in cages. Who knows what, and who cares because I still can't get over that Valentine is hiding out in Russia. The Men in Black bring comatose Jocelyn to him and then insult her, so he kills one of them. Out Valentine, again, cold, cunning, calculative, reacts emotionally and kills one of his loyal agents. Yeah, ha! Should I bring up the movie again? I don't think I have to at this point.

Cut back to Clary running home in a sudden, inexplicable rain storm, and she finds her home and the antique store destroyed. Dot is in her house, questioning her about the cup, before attacking her like the demon she was. Clary stabs her with the stele that was in her pocket and Dot changes into regular form. The demon bites Clary or something and then Jace kills it.

There's cheesy dialogue, Clary faints, and Jace carries her in his arms with absolutely no head support. I know it's supposed to be romantic, but I was truly worried Clary's neck would snap and then the show would be over. Strike that, I wasn't worried, I was hopeful.

Clary wakes up in the Institute to visions of her mother from a magic necklace Jocelyn gave her during the attack, and then Izzy is right there. I was so pumped for this. I wanted so badly to see snarky Izzy. But she's so. Damn. Nice. She speaks to Clary like Clary is a baby deer. There's not an ounce of attitude. No substance.

Jace comes in with Alec, and, thankfully, Alec is his usual angry self. Thank goodness, because if he had welcome Clary with open arms, I would've thrown my Hershey Kisses at the tv, and I needed that chocolate to get over how horrible the show was.
Jace is serious, Izzy pulls Alec away to hint to the audience that Alec loves Jace, and then we get Info Dump Jace. He, very seriously, tell Clary "all the legends are true" and I don't care how hot he was, I fumed. If you're going to rip a line from the books, at least stay true to it. Yes, it's a nitpick, but after forty minutes, I think I deserve such a nitpick.
Clary cries a lotabout her mom, begging Jace to help her find her mommy, and then, when he agrees, cirticizing him because she doesn't even know him. Then she changes into some more revealing clothes Izzy left her, and finds a run on her neck that looks like a hicky.

Info Dump Jace is to the rescue yet again to explain to the audience what runes are and to also proclaim how "interesting" Clary is. During this exchange, I try not to throw up in my mouth. InstaLove to the rescue again.

Jace and Clary go outside to meet a confused and worried Simon, but Jace is still invisible so Clary still seems insane. He says something funny about meth and I applaud his Simon-ness, but then there's another bad guy and Clary's gasping as though she's reading cue cards that tell her to do so and all hope is lost once more. The bad guy dies and I know, it must almost be over.

Jace vows to keep her safe and Simon stands on the other side of Clary, pleading with her to come home with him. Ah, the blatant love triangle is shown to the audience, just in case we didn't catch on the first fifty times Clary had been on screen. And with that, the painful first episode of Shadowhunters was over.

It's not many television shows that get to see what not to do based on a failed movie of the same creation. Freeform should've been able to adapt TMI better. They had a clear map of what worked and what didn't, what the fans liked and what they despised, and they threw it out the window in favor of something more childish and dramatic than I could've imagined. It was physically and emotionally painful for me to get through the full hour of show, and had there not been commercials, I don't think I could've done it. The acting was meh, the script was bad, and the plot was horrendous. The very essence of Shadowhunters and their history was changed, the dynamics were either obviously stated or changed, and I'm not sure where they plan on taking the story.

I don't know if I'll watch the next one. I don't know if I can. As a loyal fan to the books, as someone who has a rune tattoo on my wrist, I can't stand to watch such crap. I've been torn apart once before by the movie, and even that is a walk in a non-Shadowhunter-world park compared to this. Perhaps it will find its groove and better lighting and CGI. We can only hope. But, as it is, it is not the Shadowhunter world that I know and love, and I'm not interested.

*Disclaimer: Buffy was not a bad show, I am merely comparing them because Buffy was made about twenty years ago. Shadowhunters seems to be using the same technology and lighting as that. Twenty years in the future. Just. No.

Hello all! I’m back to recap the past two episodes of The Originals, House of the Rising Son and Tangled Up in Blue(episodes two and three).

So, a quick summary for all of you unlucky fans that haven’t got a chance to see this wonderful show yet [yes there will be SPOILERS!].

In episode two we begin with a very awkward introduction- as if the character was handed a book and told to read from it to summarize the past events- and then quickly fall back into the awesomeness that this show has turned into. We find out that Klaus pretty much fathered Marcel and then turned him when he got older, and Rebekah has (of course) been in love with Marcel for hundreds of years now. How shocking, right? So we get a little idea about their past relationship, how Marcel chose to be a vampire and leave the blonde vixen over being human and staying with her. Hey, at least Klaus gave him a choice. 

Fast-forward some more and we see Haley at a witch’s store (out in the open- girl, what is wrong with you?) asking for wolfs bane. She wants to drink it so she can abort the baby inside of her. Very sad if you ask me, but the witch was only happy to help. Until she called someone and ratted out that there are wolves in New Orleans (which is not allowed apparently).

Elijah is still absent, only showing up in flashbacks randomly. But then we get the good stuff. Rebekah calling Niklaus a “wanker”. If that didn’t brighten your day, then I don’t know what will. When Haley is deciding whether or not to take the poison, she is attacked by Marcel’s vampire minions. Rebekah shows up, killing them in her usual way, and just dominates. Her and Haley spark up a little friendship and you can start to see Bekah warming up to the idea of being an auntie. 

I’m sure I’m missing other vital things, but eventually we see Davina. Marcel’s mini-witch. She’s about sixteen, she looks somewhat like a tart, and behaves like a maniac. Oh, and she’s the strongest being ever and is probably going to bring down possibly all of the Originals. She’s already erased Rebekah’s memory while throwing her out of a window with her witchy powers.

We see a little bit of Klaus and Haley’s relationship progressing, which is super sweet to watch. You can see how much he wants that baby, really. Even if he is reluctant to admit it out loud. He even fixes Haley’s air conditioning because she was uncomfortable at night. 

In the next episode, Klaus and Rebekah form a plan. They’re going to ask Marcel for Elijah back, when that doesn’t work, Rebekah complains and whines until Klaus tells her the real plan. And what a plan it is.

My memory isn’t the best even though I’ve just finished watching it, so feel free to tell me where I’m wrong. Klaus has finally drained one of the minions of his vervain-infected blood so he’s free to compel him. Which he does. So while Marcel is throwing a lavish party in honor of some sort of fundraising, Klaus sends his vampires to take down the witches. He does this because he finds out a weakness of one of Marcel’s main men. The guy with the funny hat is in love with the witch that ratted out Haley. Rebekah meddles a bit and invites Camille (Cammie) to Marcel’s party to distract him. She ended up distracting Klaus just as much but fine… In the end, a vampire attacked the witch (Katie?) and her love killed him. Another vampire cannot kill another vampire, so Funny Hats is sentenced to a hundred years bricked up in some garden. Uh-oh. And his love died trying to save him, thanks to Klaus.

Marcel doesn’t realize Klaus started the whole thing to allow another witch to do a location spell for Elijah (that didn’t work), so he thanks him and they become friends (frenemies) yet again. Marcel promises to give Elijah back until the end when we see Davina tell Marcel she won’t give him back until she finds out how to kill and Original. Oh, and the baby in Haley’s stomach is a girl and something else entirely but we don’t know what yet.

Now, for the chat portion. 

Every time Klaus speaks about the baby or fathering/siring Marcel, I get butterflies. I know, it’s crazy, but my hormonal girl body wants to cry tears of joy when I see him using his heart and emotions. In the last episode, Haley tells him they’re having a girl, and a very small smile appears on the infamous bad boy’s face. I. Could. Have. Died. It was perfect. He is perfect.

Rebekah is so much cooler in The Originals than she was in that show about nothing that predated this series (I like The Vampire Diaries but it’s kind of lost its purpose in the past season or two). She cares so much and we can really see that, but we can also see how bad a—she really is. And I do find her and Marcel’s story intriguing even though I would’ve liked to see her and Matt have some sort of long term thing (let’s be honest, it’s about time the guy became a vampire, he’s the last human left in that crappy little town).

Elijah is in a box, but that doesn’t stop him from talking about family. Oh no, he has a diary. And Haley reads it and half-smiles to herself like she’s part of a One Direction song. I called this relationship first, you all know it! And it will happen. Haley isn’t as insufferable as I thought she was before. She’s much less sassy and she hasn’t mentioned Tyler (thank goodness), and this baby has made her a little more human.

In a new show, such as this one, it’s hard to talk about the premise because the characters are all so new. Sure we knew a few of them from their last show, but Marcel, his guys, the witches, Cammie, they’re all so fresh. And I can’t express an opinion on them yet. I want the Originals to win back their land, duh, but I don’t hate Marcel like I used to. The witches get on my nerves, but Sophie doesn’t as much anymore. Cammie…hmmm..Cammie doesn’t have a personality, she seems really old, and she’s a bit dull. But because she’s around people like Klaus and Marcel, she seems more interesting and entertaining. I want Klaroline (I want it now!) but my feelings for that aside, I just don’t see her working out with these characters. She’s just so…plain.

I need to take a moment and reference the picture above. Klaus leaning on the door or a wall in the beginning of episode 3…If that isn’t perfection, well I don’t know what is. Joseph Morgan is an extraordinary actor. One moment Klaus is playful and boyish, and the next he’s talking about draining blood from a body and killing witches. And we still like him! That is talent, folks. I really hope to see him in more things in the future, but for now he can just keep playing my favorite psychotic-yet-sexy-Original-hybrid-vampire. 

Focusing after writing that is a bit hard…Where was I? Oh right. The new characters. Yeah, I like what I’m seeing so far. Davina is a weird one though, isn’t she? She’s young but super powerful and in some sort of relationship with Marcel. I love that there’s an entire mystery there. Should be interesting.

After seeing three episodes of this show, I am going to say it. The Originals is much better than The Vampire Diaries. There is just something about it, a little spark it has, that makes it so much more intriguing. Maybe because the characters are older and we don’t have to hear about high school or prom, or maybe because the characters have more depth. Possibly because I don't have to see Stefan's brooding forehead or hear Elena whining about someone who will die for her. No matter, I really wish this show the best in terms of length. I hope to see it for years. Even if TVD ends in a year or two. 

I’m crossing my fingers to see some TVD references and guest appearances soon, but other than that I am a very satisfied fan. Claire Holt and Joseph Morgan are brilliant actors, and the writers are doing an amazing job at keeping the material fresh and exciting instead of making it feel already used and worn out.

What are your thoughts on this season? Do you like it better than The Vampire Diaries? What relationships are you hoping for? Leave me all the comments you want below, whether they be mean or nice, and share this with your friends that are also fans of CW’s hit vampire shows. You can find me on twitter and by email at the top if you want to give me ideas for future articles or just tell me how a